true intimacy...

My mom told me once that husbands and wifes should be able to go to the bathroom in front of each other or let each other know if they had bad breath or other physical faux pauxs.

For years I honestly thought my mom was crazy.

I can't imagine using the toilet in front of my husband or he in front of me. In fact, I don't even want him in the next room. I'm positive he feels the same way.

I have gotten to the point where I can tell him he needs a mint or to wipe his nose, etc. But he still isn't comfortable pointing these things out to me.

Yes, I realize that this seems trivial and that, perhaps, in most marriages, this isn't an issue.

The point I'm trying to make is that there is a distinct lack of openness, honesty and intimacy in my marriage. Why and how to fix it are questions I can't answer. I have begun to be more open with him, but it doesn't seem to be spurring him to open up more to me.

But I know now that this kind of intimacy is possible, because it exists between my lover and I. Not only is there complete openness between us mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but physically we are beautifully intimate and compatible.

I mentioned that my husband and I are not comfortable being naked with each other. The lights are dimmed before he completely undresses and sex is always done in the dark.

Not so, with my lover and I. We want light when we make love, so that we can look in each other's eyes and watch our bodies move together.

My husband and I never talk while having sex.

My lover and I talk the whole time. And we talk about anything and everything. We don't just whisper sweet-nothings. We make each other laugh. We goad each other. We challenge each other.

My husband's eyes are closed in bed, or even when he's just kissing me.

My lover's eyes are wide open.

In fact, this was my first clue that love-making with my lover would be completely different.

The first time he kissed me, I realized he was kissing me with his eyes open. As he moved his hands over me, he kept looking me straight in the eye, asking questions about how to please me best, admitting that he needed my guidance.

I expressed my wonder at the fact he kept his eyes open while kissing and touching me. In return, he expressed wonder that anyone would keep their eyes shut while being with me. He wants to look at me. He thinks I'm beautiful and loves to watch me being pleasured.

My lover tells me regularly that I'm beautiful or sexy.

I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't run out of fingers if I counted up the number of times my husband has praised my physical beauty, in the bedroom or out of it. And remember, we've been married for over 10 years.

Does he think these things? Probably. But he admits that he's not comfortable expressing these thoughts.

Why?

Why is there such ease and intimacy between my lover and I, but years of marriage has brought my husband and I no closer? And it's not as if I haven't been trying over the years. I've aggresively sought intimacy, but I think I've realized that it can't be forced. It definitely takes two willing souls.

So, now that I've experienced the joys and pleasures of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy, I ask myself one question.

Will I continue to settle for less in my marriage?

I look at my children and realize I don't have a choice. Their happiness must come before my own.