confessions...

I have a secret.

I am a wanton wife.

Unfortunately, my husband does not appreciate that fact. He would much rather have a typical frigid wife who sullenly responds to his sexual advances once a week.

What he has is a sensual woman, very comfortable with her sexuality, who would enjoy exploring the many facets of love-making on a daily basis.

When we first married, over 10 years ago, I was surprised by his lack of interest in sex. I didn't think, at first, that I was the problem. While at work or school, I was regularly hit on. I had a pretty face and a great body. I always spurned the advances of other men, but I couldn't understand why the man who did have regular access to my body simply wasn't interested.

As the years passed, I slowly began to believe that I wasn't attractive or desirable. I think, deep down, I knew it wasn't true. I had kept my figure, despite having a couple of children, and most people guessed that I was far younger than I was, but his continual rejection was wearing on my self-esteem. It wasn't unusual for me to cry myself to sleep, wondering what was wrong with me.

Perhaps there was another reason my husband wasn't interested in making love. Was he turned off by my personality? Did he have needs that were not being met? Could I become a better wife? Would this, in turn, inspire him to be a better husband?

So, I began a journey of self-improvement. I read every book I could find regarding marriage and personal growth.

The result?

More friends than I've ever had before. Increasing success in my chosen endeavours. A closeness with Christ never before reached. A better relationship with my children.

More men hitting on me than ever before.

But nothing changed in my marriage. He still wasn't interested in taking me to bed more than once every 10 days or so, and usually only at my prompting. And the other issues in our marriage seemed to be greater than ever. (You didn't think sex was our only problem, did you?) I realized something disturbing. Sex wasn't the only thing missing in my marriage. There was no emotional intimacy either.

Please don't think that I was hiding any of this from him. I openly communicated and he knew explicitly what I wanted/needed. He regularly promised to do better, but any improvement was short lived.

To be honest, I was growing desperate.

Making things worse was the fact that I couldn't really talk to anyone about it. My problem wasn't exactly common in our circle of friends. If there was any talk of sex, it was usually the wives complaining about their randy husbands. And I certainly couldn't discuss my sexual proclivities with our uptight, ultra-conservative christian friends.

How do you tell your son's Sunday School teacher that you wanted to be tied up and spanked by your husband? That sex toys are a wife's best friend? That you would love to "play doctor"?

You don't.

So, my wantonness remained a secret.

Fortunately, I've become involved in some activities lately that have led to some more liberally-minded acquaintances.

I now have two friends that know my secret.

The first one has simply listened and been supportive. He has "been there, done that" in his previous marriages, so he's sympathetic.

The second has become my lover.

More later...